I didn't make my first million until 1954, when I created Porkos, the
pork flavored breakfast treat. Maybe you remember the jingle?
No time for bacon
Eggs are too slow
Just pour some cream
And you're ready to go!
Porkos- the only
breakfast cereal made with real pork drippings- part
of a complete Breakfast alongside heavy cream and a smooth, refreshing
Charleston Cigarette!
The fifties were a pretty good time for me. America had conquered
Europe and eliminated war, so we were feeling pretty good about the
future. The economy was booming, and each and every American Man was
well on his way to a steak and cigarette death. It was really a great
decade for making your first million.
It was a decade with great potential: convenience was king, everyday
tasks were being automated, housewives were on horse tranquilizers,
Father Of Sam was slaughtering the elderly in British Columbia and
television was coming into its own as an advertising medium. The
breakfast cereal was king, and I was his shining knight.
Sure, I had some good luck with money in my adventurous youth- at one
point I had maybe three million dollars worth of uncut diamonds in a
giraffe's bladder- but I had to drop it to avoid drowning in
subterranean African river. Of course, that was back when you had to
work for money, in the fifties, things were different.
All you needed was a friendly butcher, flour, some lead paint chips for
flavor and General Cereal Corp would give you eighteen steaks and a
five-year contract. Next thing you know, America was wolfing down
Porkos and the clean, crisp flavor of Frosted Tobacco-Puffs, and you
were out-drinking William Holden and buying your wife the services
of the best gigolos Los Angeles has to offer.
Ultimately, my golden years of salesmanship were destined to end too
soon. The underground anti-breakfast campaign was hitting General
Cereal Corp pretty hard and the Communists weren’t fond of breakfast
either. With our sales sagging, it became apparent that the
golden age of breakfast was coming to a close. When the Surgeon
General required a health warning on the side of every box of Asbestos
Crunch, Bangkok Surprise, and Porkos, the General Cereal Corp finally
collapsed.
While I enjoyed being a salesman and breakfast executive, the time was
right for me to move on. I’ve always been fond of revolutions,
and America was due for a couple: The Countercultural Revolution was
recruiting submarine officers, and the Sexual Revolution was looking
pretty promising too.
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